A frank, humorous exploration of interabled dating, love, and marriage
Ben Mattlin’s wife, ML, recalls falling in love with his confidence and sheer determination. On one of their earliest dates, he persuaded her to ride on his lap in his wheelchair on their way home from an Elvis Costello concert. Thirty years later, they still travel like this from time to time, undaunted by the curious stares following them down the street.
But In Sickness and in Health is more than an “inspiring” story of how a man born with spinal muscular atrophy—a congenital and incurable neuromuscular condition—survived childhood, graduated from Harvard, married an able-bodied woman, built a family with two daughters and a cat and a turtle, established a successful career in journalism, and lived happily ever after. As Mattlin considers the many times his relationship has been met with surprise or speculation by outsiders—those who consider his wife a “saint” or him just plain “lucky” for finding love—he issues a challenge to readers: why should the idea of an “interabled” couple be regarded as either tragic or noble?
Through conversations with more than a dozen other couples of varying abilities, ethnic backgrounds, and orientations, Mattlin sets out to understand whether these pairings are as unusual as onlookers seem to think. Reflecting on his own experience he wonders: How do people balance the stresses of personal-care help with the thrill of romance? Is it possible that the very things that appear to be insurmountable obstacles to a successful relationship—the financial burdens, the physical differences, the added element of an especially uncertain future—could be the building blocks of an enviable level of intimacy and communication that other couples could only dream of?
We meet Shane Burcaw, a twenty-three-year-old writer, who offers a glimpse of his first forays into dating with a disability. There’s Rachelle Friedman, the “paralyzed bride,” as the media refers to her, and her husband, discussing the joys and challenges of a new marriage and a growing family. And Christina Crosby and her partner, Janet Jakobsen, reflect on how Crosby’s disabling accident called for them to renegotiate their roles and expectations in their long-term relationship. What emerges is a candid glimpse into the challenges and joys of interabled love—from the first blush of sexual awakening to commitment and marriage and through to widowhood.
“Mattlin expresses himself clearly and succinctly, without an underlying tone of self-pity. His interviews with other couples also portray steadfast relationships where each has thrashed out problems in ways that allow them to stay together. Moving and informative stories of ‘uncommonly intimate and enduring’ interabled partnerships.”
—Kirkus Reviews
“In Sickness and In Health is one of the most refined and accurate pieces of literature that explores the intricacies of being in an interabled relationship. Mattlin’s prose is swift and alluring as he reflects on each couple he encounters and their stories. A fine companion to Miracle Boy Grows Up, this book has the potential to not only encourage other disabled individuals to not be afraid to seek love, but it might also challenge societal perceptions about disability and romance.”
—SMA News Today
“A thoughtful spotlight on often-unheard voices for all interested in how communities define and redefine themselves.”
—Library Journal
“There is plenty to love in Mattlin’s latest book . . . without complaint or self-pity, he depicts the very real barriers some interabled couples face.”
—Washington Post
“Enlightening from cover to cover . . . a must-read.”
—Midwest Book Review
“In this chronicle of will and hope, Ben Mattlin demystifies the interabled relationship, showing that it should be a matter neither of wonder nor of pity. This is an urgent, deeply felt, and sometimes hilarious account of marriages that feel as obvious to those within them as they are bewildering to many people outside them. Mattlin gives us a testament to the deep humanity that can manifest in any kind of body, and to the passionate love such humanity can provoke in others.”
—Andrew Solomon, author of Far from the Tree
“Ben Mattlin has written an inspired and inspiring book about couples facing the challenge of one partner’s disabilities. In Sickness and in Health is a very candid examination of the unique and daunting obstacles these couples face in their daily lives, as well as an anthology of compelling love stories.”
—Jay McInerney
“This insightful, irreverent exploration of ‘interabled’ couples is both an illuminating look at a very particular kind of relationship—one many readers will know little about—and a powerful statement about our common humanity.”
—Adam Cohen, author of Imbeciles: The Supreme Court, American Eugenics, and the Sterilization of Carrie Buck
Introduction
PART I
FIRST COMES LOVE (AND SEX)
M.L. and Ben
Hannah and Shane
Wanda and Kevin
Rachelle and Chris
PART II
THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD
Alisha and Jared
Alice and Bill
Felicia and Juan
Laurie and Tim
PART III
AGING WITH DISABILITY, OR WITH A DISABLED PARTNER, AND OTHER JOYS
Alison and John
Dorene and Steve
Gloria and Sebastian
PART IV
TWENTY/TWENTY HINDSIGHT (THE LONG VIEW)
Laurie and J.R.
Christina and Janet
Simi and David
Colleen and Max
Conclusion
Acknowledgments
Index
- “Disability Is a Thread in the Fabric of Life: A Reading Guide for Disability Pride, ” Beacon Broadside, blog
- “Why the return of the Muscular Dystrophy Association telethon is unwelcome news,” The Washington Post, op-ed
- “Peter Sarsgaard Reads ‘How 30 Blocks Became 30 Years,’” Modern Love (a New York Times podcast), Mattlin’s “Modern Love” piece read by Peter Sarsgaard
- “My dad was the ideal father for a kid in a wheelchair,” The Washington Post, op-ed
- “Why A Wheelchair Cannot Come Between Love,” WBUR/Here & Now, interview and excerpt
- “Interview with Ben Mattlin,” Newstalk National Radio/The Moncrieff Show (Ireland), interview aired 4/3
- “How to Navigate a Differently-Abled Relationship,” VICE, Q&A
- Washington Post, op-ed, 2/13/2018
- New Mobility, excerpt, February 2018 (print issue)
- SMA News Today, review, 1/9/2018
- The New York Times/Modern Love, adapted excerpt, 1/5/2018
- SMA News Today, podcast interview, 11/17/2017
- Washington Post, op-ed, 9/8/2017